The Ten Commandments Of The Boot Cult

Knowest thou that thou shalt take no footwear before thine own true Boots! He who wears upon his feet the vestments endorsed by sweaty black men who toss about orange spheroids and fornicate in lockerooms shall be damned with the Bunyon of Eternal Annoyance!

Thou shalt not place upon thy feet that which is outright and most silly, such being the unspeakable atrocity of the most foul and baneful adulteration of the podal region... The Abominable Slippers of the Pink Bunny!

Thou shalt not neglect to polish thy boots, for thou shalt be scuff-ed if thou wouldst forsake the sacrement of immaculate lustre!

He who holds himself to be one with the eternal and resounding step of He- Who- Walks- With- A- Lively- Yet- Resounding- All- Pervasive- Canter- And- Was- Concieved- With- Eternal- And- Nifty- Cool- Boots shall not have to drive diminuative orange German automobiles, nor have need to perform, nor have need to associate with those who perform, the systematic and most pernicious shattering of automobile windows under the threat of removal of oral contents with nasty iron tools.

Thou shalt not exchange thine own sacred boots nor thy games of idle passtime for most unholy barter, namely, bread.

Thou shalt not incite gatherings of strange beings who run about in very silly ways and seek only to make DOOOOMED the righteous ones of the sacred Cult. For this most damned and cardinal sin thou wouldst recieve the Foot Fungus of Extreme Nastiness!

Thou shalt not associate with beings of otherworldly origin who seek to obtain the confidence of hapless adolescents and upon seizing their ignorant attention, doth render them mindless thralls with black and foul viscious tendrils of brain-sucking phlegm!

Thou shalt not, upon the ingestion and use of mind altering substances, (being it verily possible that such as we would partake of such unctions) make reference to thyself as any diety or dieties other than that most Sublime Demigod, Ernest P. Worrrell. Nor shalt thou, in such a state, refer to any arboreal entities as "crunchy", or if thou wouldst arrive upon a sublime and divine vision, thou must restrain thy desire to scribe holy gospel upon the blessed mother Earth.

Knowest thou that he who would be a brother (or sister, being it verily so that we have no discrepancies with any sex, as long as the observance of the usefulness of such mixture be not forgotten in the rituals, observances, bedrooms, and forest clearings, etc. encompassing the dominion of ritual use of the Cult; (i.e. sex is damn fine with us)) will not refer to him or herself as a vegetable, especially a rutabega.

In finality, thou shalt not, despite any and all burning and spirituality intolerable and animal desires to do so, attempt to impale thy hand upon a cutting instrument; for in thy own joy of spewing much blood about, thou wouldst anger the gods of Bootdom and soil thy eternal shoeleather with nasty stains; that, and we all would think it silly and most unappetising withall.

The original authorship of this article is attributed to Rog.